Teaching has been many things, but hysterical is one my top adjectives. The following are some of my favorite memories from the past two years. If only you could see the enthusiasm with which every single quote was expressed.
Elementary school cursing:
“Miss K, um excuse me, Miss K?”
“Yes, G?”
“Um, I have a headache. Can I have a asspack?”
“Oh, I think you mean an 'ICE-pack'.”
“That's what I said, Miss K. I need a ASS PACK!”
J, at the top of his lungs, at the start of math : “LET'S KICK ASSSSS!” 10 minutes later....
“J, did you know that's a bad word?”
“Yes, Miss K.”
“Then why did you say it?”
“Because I like math.”
J: “If I was alive during the Revolutionary War, I would fight the British. My weapons would be pistols, daggers, sticks and bombs. It would be fun and I would have a horse too. I would get my name on the Declaration written by Thomas Jefferson and George Washington would be on my team. My enemy would be King George the III.”
A to O: “We could still be friends even if you were King George.”
J: “Miss K, know why I don't walk in the snow during battles?”
“Because you're never in battles?”
“No, because I would leave tracks and the enemy could find me.”
G: “The British invented Thanksgiving! I mean, the British Americans. Oh right, I mean GOD invented Thanksgiving.”
T: “Hey Miss K, guess what! This may be fools gold, but I'm a fool for gold! Get it??? Because it's FOOL'S GOLD!”
Future doctors of America:
“G, WHY did you put a used tissue on my desk?”
“Because it's got yellow boogers, Miss K. That's pretty gross. Maybe you should look at it and call my mom, because yellow boogers are not a good sign. I've never even got them yet, but now I have.”
“G, please never show me your boogers again.”
“Oh (loooong sigh). Okay.”
J, after banging his tummy into his desk: “OH I THINK I JUST RIPPED MY PLACENTA!”
During snack-time: “That's enough of the potty talk, T. Change the conversation.”
“Okay, Miss K! Where do babies come from?”
J, using both hands to point to his crotch: “THEY COME FROM YOUR PRIVATES!”
C, horrified: “No, they don't! They come from heaven!”
Classroom chaos ensues.
J1: “When I was eating my special waffles, I started to choke and then I couldn't breathe and then I realized what I really have.”
J2: “Rabies??”
J1: “No, breast cancer. My chest hurt.”
J2: That's the worst.”
Philosopher kings:
J: “Miss K, I don't need an umbrella. Know why? 'Cause it's my destiny to be rained on!”
J: “You know what kind of a day it is, Miss K?”
“Uh...”
“It's the kind of day when a man needs to do one thing. Go home, find a knife, and sharpen pencils!”
P: “I know why God loves us.”
“Why?”
“Because we're GI Joe sized next to him.”
On self-improvement, what I smell like, and all my embarrassing habits:
A: “Miss K, do you know how I know it's Thursday?”
“Because I wrote it down on the board?”
“No, it's because you're wearing that outfit and you always wear it on Thursday.”
“I do not!”
“Yes, and know what else? I know what you wear on Wednesdays too.”
J2: “You know what, J1? I always wanted to be a white kid with freckles and glasses. You know why? Because nerds have more fun. You should know that, Miss K, huh?”
O: “Miss K, you smell like cake!”
J, “Every day, you really do! You're indubitable.”
“Do you mean . . .”
O: “Edible! You're edible and your face smells like cake.”
G: “Miss K, you know how to take care of that dry skin on your feet?"
“Using lotion?”
“You go to the pet store, ask the man for a Mexican fish bowl, and then you stick your feet in it. Then, all the fish eat your skin. And THEN you pull your feet out and it's soft! That's how to take care of dry skin.”
Miscellaneous:
J1 to J2 as he's passing out Christmas treats: “Thanks, beardless and mustache-less Santa!”
J2: “Hey, I'm working on it!”
“What did you do on Christmas break?”
J: “Mostly I sat on my sweet derrière all day long.”
G to the class at large and T in particular: “Guys, seriously, if you're gonna eat seaweed it has to be roasted. I know this because my dad said so. How old are you? OH! In second grade, that's right. Well, he's over half of a hundred, so I think we can both agree that he knows these things better than you.”
P: “Knock, knock.”
Me: “Who's there?”
P: “Interrupting math problem.”
Me: “Interrupting math pro---
P: “MOOOO! Oops, I mean 56! 56!!!”
J: “That's the funniest joke I ever heard!”
J: “This morning, I saw a woman with pants on that said JUICY BUTT.”
T: “Miss K, my mind lost some of it's memory. What's your name again?”
J, waiting for a classmate to hurry up and get in line: “I'm not getting any younger here, you know.”
J: “I can tell you got a tan, G. You look like you're an inch darker.”
J: “Miss K, do you know what I like the most about myself?”
Me: “Tell me.”
J: “My red hair. Do you know why I like it?”
Me: “Because it's unique?”
J: “Because if my head catches on fire, no one will be able to tell because my hair's already red.”
Me to the class: “Do you know that the kids who get ready first and sit quietly get extra brownie points?”
Class: “SHHHH!”
J2: “What are brownie points?”
J1: “I HAVE NO IDEA BUT I LOVE BROWNIES SO I'LL DO IT!”
P on riding the bus to a field trip: “This is the most extraordinary experience of my life!!!”
These are absolutely the best ever :)
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