Teaching has been many things, but hysterical is one my top adjectives. The following are some of my favorite memories from the past two years. If only you could see the enthusiasm with which every single quote was expressed.

Elementary school cursing:

“Miss K, um excuse me, Miss K?”

 “Yes, G?”

“Um, I have a headache. Can I have a asspack?”

“Oh, I think you mean an 'ICE-pack'.”

“That's what I said, Miss K. I need a ASS PACK!”

J, at the top of his lungs, at the start of math : “LET'S KICK ASSSSS!” 10 minutes later....

“J, did you know that's a bad word?”

“Yes, Miss K.”

“Then why did you say it?”

“Because I like math.”

 The excitement over history is unbounded:

J: “If I was alive during the Revolutionary War, I would fight the British. My weapons would be pistols, daggers, sticks and bombs. It would be fun and I would have a horse too. I would get my name on the Declaration written by Thomas Jefferson and George Washington would be on my team. My enemy would be King George the III.”

A to O: “We could still be friends even if you were King George.”

J: “Miss K, know why I don't walk in the snow during battles?”

“Because you're never in battles?”

“No, because I would leave tracks and the enemy could find me.”

G: “The British invented Thanksgiving! I mean, the British Americans. Oh right, I mean GOD invented Thanksgiving.”

T: “Hey Miss K, guess what! This may be fools gold, but I'm a fool for gold! Get it??? Because it's FOOL'S GOLD!”

Future doctors of America:

“G, WHY did you put a used tissue on my desk?”

“Because it's got yellow boogers, Miss K. That's pretty gross. Maybe you should look at it and call my mom, because yellow boogers are not a good sign. I've never even got them yet, but now I have.”

“G, please never show me your boogers again.”

“Oh (loooong sigh). Okay.”

J, after banging his tummy into his desk: “OH I THINK I JUST RIPPED MY PLACENTA!”

During snack-time: “That's enough of the potty talk, T. Change the conversation.”

“Okay, Miss K! Where do babies come from?”

J, using both hands to point to his crotch: “THEY COME FROM YOUR PRIVATES!”

C, horrified: “No, they don't! They come from heaven!”

Classroom chaos ensues.

J1: “When I was eating my special waffles, I started to choke and then I couldn't breathe and then I realized what I really have.”

J2: “Rabies??”

J1: “No, breast cancer. My chest hurt.”

J2: That's the worst.”

Philosopher kings:

J: “Miss K, I don't need an umbrella. Know why? 'Cause it's my destiny to be rained on!”

J: “You know what kind of a day it is, Miss K?”

“Uh...”

“It's the kind of day when a man needs to do one thing. Go home, find a knife, and sharpen pencils!”

P: “I know why God loves us.”

“Why?”

“Because we're GI Joe sized next to him.”

On self-improvement, what I smell like, and all my embarrassing habits:

A: “Miss K, do you know how I know it's Thursday?”

“Because I wrote it down on the board?”

“No, it's because you're wearing that outfit and you always wear it on Thursday.”

“I do not!”

“Yes, and know what else? I know what you wear on Wednesdays too.”

J2: “You know what, J1? I always wanted to be a white kid with freckles and glasses. You know why? Because nerds have more fun. You should know that, Miss K, huh?”

O: “Miss K, you smell like cake!”

J, “Every day, you really do! You're indubitable.”

“Do you mean . . .”

O: “Edible! You're edible and your face smells like cake.”

J's scientific explanation of rain: “I know why it's raining. Because God is taking a giant shower upstairs, but he's probably not naked because God's a spirit. AND if Miss K was up there, we'd hear singing right now!”

G: “Miss K, you know how to take care of that dry skin on your feet?"

“Using lotion?”

“You go to the pet store, ask the man for a Mexican fish bowl, and then you stick your feet in it. Then, all the fish eat your skin. And THEN you pull your feet out and it's soft! That's how to take care of dry skin.”

Miscellaneous:

J1 to J2 as he's passing out Christmas treats: “Thanks, beardless and mustache-less Santa!”

J2: “Hey, I'm working on it!”

“What did you do on Christmas break?”

J: “Mostly I sat on my sweet derrière all day long.”

G to the class at large and T in particular: “Guys, seriously, if you're gonna eat seaweed it has to be roasted. I know this because my dad said so. How old are you? OH! In second grade, that's right. Well, he's over half of a hundred, so I think we can both agree that he knows these things better than you.”

P: “Knock, knock.”

Me: “Who's there?”

P: “Interrupting math problem.”

Me: “Interrupting math pro---

P: “MOOOO! Oops, I mean 56! 56!!!”

J: “That's the funniest joke I ever heard!”

J: “This morning, I saw a woman with pants on that said JUICY BUTT.”

G: “Do you know why people say Mississippi when they're counting? It's because you're counting and it's your last chance and you might MISS it. 1 Mississippi, oops be careful because it's the last state and you're almost done, 2 Mississippi, you're out. You missed it. That's why they count like that. But it's just a guess, I could be wrong. But there's really no other reason to use that state.” 

T: “Miss K, my mind lost some of it's memory. What's your name again?”

J, waiting for a classmate to hurry up and get in line: “I'm not getting any younger here, you know.”

J: “I can tell you got a tan, G. You look like you're an inch darker.”

J: “Miss K, do you know what I like the most about myself?”

Me: “Tell me.”

J: “My red hair. Do you know why I like it?”

Me: “Because it's unique?”

J: “Because if my head catches on fire, no one will be able to tell because my hair's already red.”

Me to the class: “Do you know that the kids who get ready first and sit quietly get extra brownie points?”

Class: “SHHHH!”

J2: “What are brownie points?”

J1: “I HAVE NO IDEA BUT I LOVE BROWNIES SO I'LL DO IT!”

P on riding the bus to a field trip: “This is the most extraordinary experience of my life!!!”

101 Ways to Wear a Cardigan: Part I

Ok, I lied. It's more like thirteen, but I am convinced that there are still 101 ways to wear them. Because this is such an extensive subject, I shall try not to overwhelm you, and stick to one major lesson per post.

Lesson #1: Where you button, determines your shape.

Specimen 1 (The Middle Button): If you are naturally smaller chested, like myself, you may want to enhance the appearance of your upper curves. You do this by buttoning the button directly below your bust-line. You may choose to button all the rest of the buttons below this one as well if you want to show off your slim waist, but if you have trouble with tummy pooch, you may want to leave it unbuttoned below, as I did, because a) tummy rolls tend to show more when you try to reign it in, and b) notice the nice long isosceles triangle above my belt that gives the appearance of a more elongated torso.

Specimen 2 (Mostly Buttoned): This is a great choice for our bustier educators, because a) it holds the ladies in better, and is less likely to pop open unexpectedly, and b) it draws the attention to the thinnest point (typically the waist) without exaggerating your already bountiful curves. So you look more like this -->  ) ( instead of this > <.

Specimen 3 (The All-Button or the Cardigan as Sweater): Sometimes you may not be in the mood for the cardigan look, and want a sweater to layer with. Sometimes you don't want to layer at all. That is absolutely okay. You can turn your cardigan into a sweater by buttoning it up all the way.

Specimen 4 (The Uninterrupted Line): This is one of the greatest clothing illusions of all time. *Note: This can also be achieved by a properly fitting blazer. When unbuttoned, the eye is drawn to the two long, vertical lines in your center, giving one the appearance of being thinner and taller. This is true of vertical lines and stripes in general. *Disclaimer: The vertical stripes illusion is only successful when the wearer wears properly fitting pieces. The vertical stripes do no good if they are stretched to look like this ) ) ). If your vertical stripes are curving, try the next size up.

Specimen 5 *Not pictured (The Top Button): Favored by librarians everywhere (or at least in movies), this is an option for ladies who may not have the child-bearing hips, and desire an augmented appearance in that region. By buttoning the top button or two, the lines of your cardigan will do this --> /\.   *WARNING: There should be NO cleavage showing below this button, unless you are going for the superhero cape effect. I generally steer the more top-heavy types away from this method of buttoning.

So that's it for the first lesson. You can take a deep breathe, wipe the sweat off your forehead, get a drink, and be rested and ready to go for lesson 2. Ciao for now!

-Miss C

Japanese Pens, Mason Jars, and the First Day of School

Sunlight filters through glass and, every so often, the wall behind is streaked with dashes of red and blue. Three small mason jars hold my most frequently used colors. Pens organized by color: blue, black, red. It was one of my pre-school DIY projects – oh, the joys of organization!

  

I am four weeks into school – already? – and there is so much to do, but I’m getting ahead of myself…

The first day of school began with excitement and nerves and the catching up and swapping of summer adventures.

Students in the hall dragging backpacks and lunch boxes.

Students looking for their classrooms.

The copier humming.

Teachers laughing.

Here I am standing in front of my middle school General Science class. Nervous chatter floats through the air. One student – deer in headlights – slouches so far down in his seat he might fall off. Uh-huh. Not a lot of excitement here.

I greet the class, introduce myself (although I knew most of the students from previous classes), pull out the inch thick textbook (or is it bigger?), and let it fall onto the table. Thunk.

It’s probably not the best way to calm nerves, but produced the exact affect I was after.  

All chatter ceased.

A hand in the air. “Ms. Schmidt, are we actually going to read through the entire thing?”

“Of course!” And cue pep-talk. “Don’t worry, the textbook looks really big (it’s huge), but you will be fine because each of you are intelligent and creative and we’re in this together…”

Then we went over some of the most basic things – like bring a writing utensil to class – why do I have to say that to 7^th & 8^th graders? I mean really, why? “And MAKE SURE you bring a writing utensil to class – a pen or pencil – this is absolutely necessary. I usually have one or two extras, but I’m really not too fond of sharing them---”

A student I’ve had in another class busts out: “Your special Japanese pens, Ms. Schmidt? Yeah, she doesn’t like sharing them! She makes you PROMISE you won’t hurt, harm, or damage her special pens!”

“Yes. Thank you, H. Yes, so, bring a pencil or pen – everyone understand? Great! Let’s move on…”

Oh, yes. Those special Japanese pens. Remember the mason jars? Those hold, among other types, the extremely fine tipped Asian pens. A favorite of mine.

That would be one of my teacher quirks. I’m not too excited to share my special Japanese pens with their super thin tips and consistent ink flow to middle school kids who drop, break, and squash pens. Last year, some of my students could say, by memory, “the promise” if they borrowed one of my special pens:



Organized. Plus a "flower pen" a student made for me.



 I, [state your name], do solemnly promise

Not to hurt, damage, or otherwise harm

Ms. Schmidt’s special Japanese Pens.

Most of the students remembered to bring their writing utensils after this...

Now you know! If we ever meet you’ll probably add it as my tagline. Ms. Schmidt? Oh, yeah! Special Japanese Pens! Yes, it’s great to meet you, too.

You must love these quirks though; they cause so much good laughter especially when you and your students can laugh about them together! I mean, how silly is that? A teacher that doesn’t like sharing her pens?

And it is only the beginning of the school year. Later on, I'll be able to share with you some of my students’ quirks and homework habits: like doodling on experiment reports or including a quote about unicorns in a Journalism article.

Here's to the excitement of the beginning!

Ms. Schmidt